Successful couples usually perceive themselves as bringing roughly equal total value to the relationship—but that value does not have to come from the same qualities. A wealthy, successful man who is not conventionally handsome may attract a beautiful woman of modest means. A handsome young man without money may attract someone because of his looks, intelligence, confidence, humor, ambition, or future potential.
This is what is called the Law of Social Equity: relationships are most stable when both partners believe the exchange is reasonably balanced.
When one partner’s perceived social value changes dramatically, the relationship may change with it. Imagine two struggling actors waiting tables together. If one suddenly lands a million-dollar role and becomes famous, the couple’s balance is disrupted. The relationship may survive, but it will face pressures that did not previously exist. As Marilyn Monroe’s modeling career took off, for example, her marriage to merchant seaman James Dougherty ended.
Celebrity may be the most powerful form of social status. It can make even destructive or dangerous people strangely attractive, which helps explain why notorious imprisoned killers sometimes receive love letters and marriage proposals.
Money—and the realistic prospect of earning it—is another powerful source of attraction. Future earning potential is suggested not merely by intelligence, but also by discipline, ambition, judgment, competence, and social skill. Wit can be especially attractive because a clever, unexpected remark displays intelligence in real time. That is different from incessant clowning, which may make a person appear immature or desperate for attention.
Physical attractiveness also matters. A handsome face, a healthy body, good grooming, and confident posture can substantially increase perceived value. Much of male competition for achievement, status, money, and physical fitness is connected, at least partly, to the desire to attract desirable partners.
The greatest losses of relationship value often come from untreated destructive behavior: criminal conduct, addiction, uncontrolled aggression, or severe psychiatric symptoms that a person refuses to address. A diagnosis alone does not make someone unlovable. Refusing treatment while repeatedly harming or frightening a partner does. Even a devoted partner eventually reaches a limit.
The lesson is not to treat love as a cold financial transaction. It is to understand that attraction responds to value, stability, and change. Develop the qualities within your control: health, competence, humor, reliability, ambition, kindness, and sound judgment. Then choose someone who values what you bring—and whose contributions you genuinely value in return.
No comments:
Post a Comment